The Tin woMan
Hi? I guess I can write hi to someone who reads my blog, right?
I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I’m exhausted from school and lack of sleep, and I hate writing fake bullshit about what new accessory I’m loving because I have to. I want to write because I want to.
It’s the holiday season and honestly it does not feel like it one bit.
I just want to write because I’m sad. I’m sad that because of the life I have chosen, and partially because of the type of person I am, I drive people out of my life because I feel like I have something to prove and don’t let my emotions show because people who show emotions are weak and often used.
I was even called a robot the other day. Cute, right? Anyway.
I work so hard and strive to be better and always want to be more successful because I just want people to look at me and think I’m good enough. To be good enough to be treated well and respected and noticed.
For the past year all I’ve done is work. I’m not saying just 9-5pm, but mentally. All I do is think and work and come up with ways to make life more complicated. I never let go. I rarely go out, unless it’s for work, and have fun and when I do I regret it and feel like I should have done more productive things. I rarely open up to people because I’m so afraid of being hurt after letting in all the wrong people.
I don’t know. I just want to be great and not let anyone stop me.
My whole life I’ve been afraid of being dependent on someone. I just want to be able to support myself and be successful and be an awesome equal to an amazing man. An equal that can think and talk for herself, but at the end of the day knows what’s important.
I want to work hard and have a great career because it’s the American Dream. I still believe it and I’m living proof of it every day. I had nothing 2 years ago. Not even a pair of Louboutins or a designer bag. Everything started after societygrl.
Sometimes I look at myself and don’t even recognize who I’ve become. I know I’ve become the person I’ve always wanted to be. Some concept of a perfect girl that gets all the guys, has the dream car, closet, relationship, hair, goes to the perfect parties and knows all the right people. Now I’m “here” and I feel like everything I’ve sacrificed is making me lose close friends and people I love because I can’t let go of my need for success and to prove something.
I have no idea where I’m going with this. But I’m just reminded of all those Christmas movies that start out with lonely, successful people that are too consumed with their jobs but have all the “perfect” things in life but at the end of the movie turn into emotional wrecks and give up money and fame for puppy love and eggnog.
What if I never do?