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The Tin woMan

Tuesday, December 15, 2015
societygrl-old-me

Hi.

Hi? I guess I can write hi to someone who reads my blog, right?

I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I’m exhausted from school and lack of sleep, and I hate writing fake bullshit about what new accessory I’m loving because I have to. I want to write because I want to.

It’s the holiday season and honestly it does not feel like it one bit.

I just want to write because I’m sad. I’m sad that because of the life I have chosen, and partially because of the type of person I am, I drive people out of my life because I feel like I have something to prove and don’t let my emotions show because people who show emotions are weak and often used.

I was even called a robot the other day. Cute, right? Anyway.

I work so hard and strive to be better and always want to be more successful because I just want people to look at me and think I’m good enough. To be good enough to be treated well and respected and noticed.

For the past year all I’ve done is work. I’m not saying just 9-5pm, but mentally. All I do is think and work and come up with ways to make life more complicated. I never let go. I rarely go out, unless it’s for work, and have fun and when I do I regret it and feel like I should have done more productive things. I rarely open up to people because I’m so afraid of being hurt after letting in all the wrong people.

Why?

I don’t know. I just want to be great and not let anyone stop me.

My whole life I’ve been afraid of being dependent on someone. I just want to be able to support myself and be successful and be an awesome equal to an amazing man. An equal that can think and talk for herself, but at the end of the day knows what’s important.

I want to work hard and have a great career because it’s the American Dream. I still believe it and I’m living proof of it every day. I had nothing 2 years ago. Not even a pair of Louboutins or a designer bag. Everything started after societygrl.

Sometimes I look at myself and don’t even recognize who I’ve become. I know I’ve become the person I’ve always wanted to be. Some concept of a perfect girl that gets all the guys, has the dream car, closet, relationship, hair, goes to the perfect parties and knows all the right people. Now I’m “here” and I feel like everything I’ve sacrificed is making me lose close friends and people I love because I can’t let go of my need for success and to prove something.

I have no idea where I’m going with this. But I’m just reminded of all those Christmas movies that start out with lonely, successful people that are too consumed with their jobs but have all the “perfect” things in life but at the end of the movie turn into emotional wrecks and give up money and fame for puppy love and eggnog.

What if I never do?

COMMENTS

5 Responses to “The Tin woMan”

  1. Cynthia says:

    I know exactly how you feel. Your story is my story. I work hard and am driven to be successful because I have always wanted that for myself. I am not scared of hard work and I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone. I know the type of life I want to lead and am unapologetic for it. I too have lost friends over it. The problem is our culture is a culture of accepting failure and adequateness and those who are not reaching the same level of success try to pull you back to their level, especially when you are young. It is hard to find people who are as driven and motivated as yourself. We almost need to start a networking/support group for the ambitious and motivated! All the best!

  2. Valeria says:

    I loved your blog about being “The Tin Woman” While reading, I have found myself. I am also Russian and I love hearing/reading about Russian girls striving for a career and being successful. Which is definitely opposite from the culture I grew up. For the past year and a half I have found something that I love to do which is Network Security and Cybersecurity. And when I tell that to others, I get a negative respond, as if I am doing something wrong. Concentrating on my school and other acticities (clubs, conferences, internships) definitely led me to removing/loosing contact with friends that I once had. But for some reason it makes me feel happy being accomplished in something that I am passionate about. In a way almost an addiction to being successful. I don’t think you should be feeling sad of being successful or accomplished or worthy but definitely making sure you don’t lose contact and make time for those that matter most in your life. Because at the end those are the people that loved you the most, supported you, cared for you and wanted to see you succeed and most of all be happy.

  3. jen says:

    welcome to real life? and being an adult? god forbid you ever get married or have kids, then life will really hit you! you sound like a selfish little bitch who’s been dependent on her parents her whole life.

  4. Alexandra Donlin says:

    I absolutely love this post. I definitely feel the same and understand because I recently lost a lot of my friends who I grew up with. I kind of felt the need to drop them because I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I don’t think they do, so I didn’t want to be around that anymore. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be successful or financially independent because that’s also 100% what I want. Obviously the people you have lost are not there anymore for a reason and the people that have stayed in your life are there because they understand you and know what you’re about and choose to be there.

  5. Rosie says:

    Be great and don’t let anyone stop you! That is what our 20s are for!! We make mistakes, take risks, become sleep deprived and get to splurge on pretty things.
    We all have a very long life ahead of us and obsessing about the past does us no good. It is best to just make plans for the future!

    XOXO